Trapped

Some days aren’t perfect.

No days can really be perfect but some days are challenging. Overwhelming even with feelings of being trapped or alone. It feels inevitable and irreversible.

Today I am feeling trapped. The atmosphere has decided the snow will come as rain, the rain will freeze to ice on the ground like an endless ice rink. It’s not safe for cars – I am waiting for the ice to melt.

There is a loved one with me. They are also trapped but trapped with me. I am one that does things alone very often. The actions I would take right now on instinct would neglect any company. I would ritualistically brew my tea, relocate a gaming system to my upstairs living room and delve into the virtual world to forget my own existence.

It’s hard to be with me. I delight in forgetting myself. I find solace in it as I am discontented in my own body. I could change it but the dream life seems futile. Even if I were to be an attractive man with spectacular cooking skills and a 6 figure salary I would still be me. I would never be the Robin Hood of my time as Robin Hood is not needed in our world today. I want to be a Pirate for the good of man. Steal from the rich to give to the poor.

I play video games so I can be this Hero. I can’t stand being human or part of a society of corporate dogs. I don’t want to be here and so I disconnect, dissociate and disappear. This is especially hard when someone needs me there for them as I have very little presence to give. For what presence I do have I am lacking in empathetic techniques that would make someone feel better.

Today I feel trapped in my own skin as well as trapped in a circumstance where my loved ones must bear there own burdens when I am bearing my own. I hate to be absent.

Today will hurt.

Tomorrow will be better.